Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
