I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize