I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
