Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
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I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
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THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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