Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
