she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
