dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
