By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
