You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
