she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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