I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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