her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
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Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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