The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
did i walk over a car last night?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think weed is turning my hair brown
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
