i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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