i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
