All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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