whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
