She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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