How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
