My underwear smells like fireworks.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
