I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
