She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
