hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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