Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
