did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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