you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
