There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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