My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm like, not good at living.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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