I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
