I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
