i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
