Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
