if you like me you must not know who I am
My Higher Power is John Stamos
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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