just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
