I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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