I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize