went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
