Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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