I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
