I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
