My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
