Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
