dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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