I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
