there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
