so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
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