this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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