I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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