First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
