At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
