I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
