Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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