highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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