Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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