There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
People in love make me want to vomit
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
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mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
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He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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