i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
