i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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