i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
