this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Pants are for mortals
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm too high and old for this...
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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